Is This a Problem?

In my work as a psychotherapist in Ottawa, people often ask me some version of the same question: “Is this normal, or is it a problem?”

They may be dealing with anxiety, irritability, sadness, worry, conflict in a relationship, difficulty sleeping, or habits they do not feel proud of. Often, they wonder whether they are overreacting—or whether their struggle is serious enough to seek therapy.

My perspective is that the feelings themselves are rarely the problem. Feelings are part of being human. The more useful question is whether your emotions or behaviours are creating ongoing distress, limiting your life, or moving you away from the person you want to be.

Feelings Are Signals

Emotions are not failures or things that always need to be eliminated. Anxiety can alert us to uncertainty or perceived danger. Anger may signal that a boundary has been crossed. Sadness can accompany loss, disappointment, or change.

Even uncomfortable feelings can carry useful information. Unfortunately, not every feeling is delivering a clear, wise message. Sometimes anxiety is more like an overenthusiastic smoke alarm: loud, urgent, and convinced that burnt toast is an immediate emergency. The goal is not to throw out the alarm; it is to learn when it is accurately warning you (normal) and when it may need a little recalibration (problem).

Questions I Encourage Clients to Consider

Is this affecting my day-to-day life?

I often ask clients to look at the practical impact of what they are experiencing. Is it interfering with work, school, parenting, sleep, relationships, health, or the ability to enjoy daily life?

Feeling nervous before an important meeting, for example, is common. But if anxiety is leading you to avoid opportunities, cancel plans, lose sleep, or replay every stressful conversation you've had from 2009 onward, it may be a sign that more support could help.

Is it becoming more intense or harder to move through?

Difficult feelings can be expected during stressful periods, after a loss, during major transitions, or following painful experiences. There is no universal timeline for feeling better, despite the occasional well-meaning person who suggests you should simply “move on.”

Still, it may be worth paying attention if you feel increasingly overwhelmed, stuck in the same pattern, unlike yourself, or unable to find relief through your usual supports and coping strategies. These are not signs of weakness. They are signs that something may need care and attention.

Is the way I am coping helping me over time?

Many of us develop ways to get through difficult moments: avoiding conflict, withdrawing from others, staying constantly busy, drinking to relax, endlessly scrolling, overthinking, seeking reassurance, or trying to control every detail.

I approach these behaviours with interest and respect. They usually began for a reason and will almost always offer short-term relief. At the same time, I help clients consider the longer-term effect: Is this helping me build the life I want, or is it keeping me stuck?

Avoiding a social event may reduce anxiety in the moment. Over time, though, it can increase isolation and make future situations feel even more difficult. Similarly, checking your phone for reassurance may feel helpful briefly—but rarely improves when you check it for the forty-seventh time.

Is this bring closer to, or further away from, what matters most?

You do not need a diagnosis—or a crisis—to come to therapy. Sometimes people seek support because they recognize that their life no longer feels aligned with their values.

I may ask questions such as:

• Am I behaving in ways that reflect the person I want to be?

• Am I making choices based mainly on fear, guilt, pressure, or habit?

• Do I feel able to express my needs and set boundaries?

• Is this pattern bringing me closer to, or further from, the relationships and life I value?

These questions can help to create clarity around the questions of "normal" vs "problematic" living.

Therapy can offer a private, non-judgmental space to understand what is happening. My role is not to tell you that your feelings are wrong, nor to convince you to become a perfectly calm person who never overthinks anything. Instead, a good therapists job is to help you make sense of your experiences, recognize patterns, develop coping strategies that work for you, and move toward a life that feels more manageable and meaningful.